Moses went down Lovingly
by our-lord-saviour
Summary: JewKing? Gay rape? ONLY IN THE BIBLE!
1. Chapter 1

There was once a whore who came from a village that bordered the river Nile. Now she had a baby from a client who refused to 'pull out' at the last second and so nine months later, out popped this scruffy sprog. But this unloving 'pathside crawler' decided to get rid off her child. When Moses was but 2 days old he was hurled into the river by the whore. The defenceless baby just happened to hit a rock which was met with a satisfying splat. The limp baby's body was then gently carried by the Nile's murky waters. However what the fanny land lord did not know was that all baby's float in water, so the infant's body did not sink to the river bed but instead drifted down to the Pharaoh's palace where the baby got snagged in some reads. 

Now the queen of Egypt came out of a doorway and walked towards the river for her daily shit, but instead noticed a tiny body amongst the river plants as she was laying one out. As soon as she had finished, the Queen rushed over and scooped up the child in her arms without even washing her hands - the sket. Baby Moses was covered in blood but was somehow still alive! The Queen guessed that it was a gift from god and thanked the lord for the baby.  
At that moment, God peered over his morning newspaper and looked around suspiciously. 

"What the fuck was that?" he exclaimed to himself. 

"Was what dear?" said Mildred Johanasburg- God's mistress. 

"Did you not say my name?" 

"No dear!"

At that point God's narrowed eyes looked up towards the ceiling... he suspected there were mice in that attic again. Then suddenly the front door was heard opening and then slammed shut. 

"SHIT HIDE MILDRED, JANET'S HERE!" 

Janet was God's second wife and she was back early. He was in deep shit.  
Back down in Egypt, the Queen had presented her find to the Pharaoh to whom she was married. 

"It's your new son!" she announced. 

"I beg your pardon?" he gasped. 

He continued:

"But you only gave birth last week! How on earth did you grow this one?" 

It's not often women have to think, but this situation required the Queen to start up her long dormant brain to be able to convince the Pharaoh that Moses was his... 

"Ummmm it's the twin to the other one, it came late." she stuttered. 

"...okay then, just can you next time wipe all the vagina blood n' shit off a baby before you show me it? "Thanks love."

And so Moses' life within the grand palace began and for the first eighteen years not a lot happened apart from the usual goings on in a boys life. A gay experience at twelve years of age - along with that experience being an incestual paedophilic one (as the man bumming Moses was the Pharaoh himself). 

"Shhhhhhh, it's daddy's secret game for me and you only.," the Pharaoh would whisper while clutching the jewboy's mouth to muffle his screams as the adult cock forced its way inside the underdeveloped child's anal ring, leaving the inside of the anus torn, like when you stretch a T-shirt by accidentally putting your head through the wrong hole. Moses was taught to hate and abuse the Jewish people and it was with his brother that he committed his first double rape on a Jewish mother and daughter. Of course if Moses had known then that he was the JewKing then he wouldn't have done all these atrocities towards them.  
It was on his eighteenth birthday that Moses learnt of his true destiny. God came to him while he slept in in bed. 

'Pssst Moses wake up!' God whispered. 

The Jew-Minister bolted upright out of his bed prepared for whomever dwelt in the darkness. 

"Who is it? What do you want?" 

"Moses, this is God!"

"Which one?" responded Moses - he was brought up with Egyptian religion. They had many gods which quite frankly is SILLY. 

"-.-There is only one God. I am that. For I am the Christia - err I mean the Jewish God. . .'

Dog backwards almost gave away something important then, but luckily Moses didn't notice the slip up. The Presijew queried God some more: 

"But what do you want from me? If you want me to stop forcing your people to do bukake then I can stop all of it right now! Just don't hurt me!' He cried. 

God chuckled at Moses. 

"No I'm not going to hurt you, Jeez why does everyone think I'm gunna hurt them or impregnate them. No I'm here to tell you that you are the leader of the Jews and that you must free them from the slavery by the Egyptians.' 

"Why?" 

"BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO. STOP ASKING QUESTIONS!" 

"Okay okay! I will do as you command my Lord". 

God smiled at being called 'Lord'. It had a nice ring to it. 


	2. Chapter 2

The next day Moses went straight to Pharaoh Imhotep to request the freeing of his people. It was ten minutes before the Jewke was thrown into the slave pits among his people, where they were forced to work long gruelling hours and at night they were all packed in the cells like a fat kid's lunch box on a field trip. It was rancid and is was not long before Moses had a sneaky plan to escape into the countryside. He picked his moment in the dead of the night. The sky was overcast so no light was cast by the stars and Moses along with a small group of elite Jews snuck away without being seen. It looked as if they had escaped successfully when Bartholomew (the bank clerk) fell to his knees. At first the others thought he had been pierced by an arrow but soon realised that he had forgotten his inhaler. Jews weren't cut out for running, Bartholomew's breathing grew shorter and shorter until he fell back with his pupils rolled tightly upwards. All of the Jews grew paranoid of their own states, asthma could attack them any time - like a wife beater to his spouse. It was not until morning that Moses felt safe to stop at a deserted farm. 

Knock knock. 

"Who's there?" 

"God." 

"God who? 

"Stop playing these fucking games Janet. I want to see my kids. NOW!" 

While Moses was enslaved, God had managed to get caught cheating on his second wife and she had moved in with a new boyfriend 'Chuck Norris'. He was the new God in town and apparently he liked to make his people kill themselves for lolz. Janet had taken the kids with her and God wanted to see them but was met with that awkuad bitch's denial. God burst in through the door and stormed into the villa. God was pissed off by this point - he reached the living room to find Chuck on the sofa with a raging boner outlined in his robe. The dirty doowde was staring longingly at God's two children playing twister. That was the day God was arrested for grievous bodily harm. He had smacked Chuck round the face with a good left hook followed by the disconnection of his penis from in between his legs. 

It was a whole year before Moses was contacted by God, he woke up in the night and impulsively stepped out of the hut without first putting sandles on. The floor dug into his feet before he realised he wasn't African and so walking barefoot would hurt like fuck. A light lit up the farm, it exuded from a beautiful woman with red hair. Moses just stood there like the gimp he was while the woman turned around, bent over and spread her vagina wide - from which boomed God's voice. 

"Hey Moses sorry I haven't spoken to you in a while, I was... errrr... on holiday. Have you freed your people yet?" he asked. 

"Well no seeing as I have FUCK ALL THINGS TO HELP ME!" Moses cried. 

"You fucking lazy Jew! You've had a whole year. Fucksake... I'll tell you what... Why don't you go to the Pharaoh and say that imma' gunna' bring the pain 'n' shit." 

Moses smiled and nodded. And with that the woman stood up and turned around. She looked around and saw Moses. Confusion appeared on her face. 

"Ou est moi?"

Moses' smile grew into a creepy one and without warning he zapped towards her and took the ginger down onto the floor. She screamed in her primitive language, but he was only spurred on by her calls. He reached his grubby hands down her smouldering pubic hair and pushed his fingers as far as he could inside the dry vaginal walls. Out of nowhere came a muffled voice: 

"OW MY FUCKING EYE! MOSES WHAT THE FUCK." God screamed from inside the vagina.

Moses immediately jumped up withdrawing his hand, as if one has accidentally leaned on a homeless person without realising till 'it' moved. This moment for Moses was more embarrassing than that time he tried shitting while standing up and he walked in on congress with little dried streaks of pooey water because the experiment epically failed. Moses slowly stepped away from the rubbed raw women and sneaked away hoping that God wouldn't tell him off any more. 

"Moses, stop raping! What is it with everyone and rape? I'm starting to realise why all the Jews are slaves now... Have you ever had consensual sex before?"  
Moses face was blank. 

"Well I have shouted surprise before..." 

"NO THAT DOES NOT COUNT. WHO EVEN TOLD YOU THAT BULLSHIT?" 

Moses looked sheepish. 

"...Allah..." 

"FUCK SAKE MOSES! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU BOUT THAT LITTLE CUNT FART! He's a shit stirrer, and if he offers you forty virgins tell him to do one because his virgins are hairy and smell - hence why they are virgins. Now go away, my probation worker is due to arrive any minute now. OH and also from now on refer to me as Lord." 

Little Moses nodded and skulked off to the hut to get sleep before his long trek to the palace in the morning. 


	3. Chapter 3

The Sun rose slowly in the sleepy in the sky, Moses had a feeling today was going to be a good day. He journeyed all morning before he reached the palace. Somehow, the conservatory door was left wide open so Moses picked his time to run through into the throne room where the Pharaoh just happened to be relaxing. Shocked to see his fake sex toy - errrr son. He rose quickly off his throne with a rather bemused look upon his face and barked: 

"What the hell are you doing here?" 

Moses was set on his mission and calmly demanded the release of his people. This made the monarch laugh dismissively. His cackle stopped and an evil grin spread across his face. 

"Why would I do that?" 

"Because I might just have to make it rain frogs..." 

"That is actually one of the shittest threats I have heard for a long time!"  
This made the Pharaoh think back to the time when an old man threatened him... 

"_I'm gunna rape your kids."  
With which the Pharaoh responded  
_

"_You do that! Maybe we can then tag team on one of them at the same time and then we can hi-five while doing it!"_

At this point Moses decided to pull out the big guns. 

"If you don't let my people go then I'll murder all the first born children of Egypt."  
A frown came across the Pharaoh's brow. 

"Woah! That's going a bit far don't you think? Don't need to be a dick about it!" 

"But the enslavement of the Jews is completely accepted though?" 

"Listen kid. Slavery gets shit done. And besides it was easier capturing your pathetic race than those big ugly motherfuckers that reside west of Egypt." 

Moses started to sweat as he realised God's plan wasn't working. 

"Fine then. I will tell mother of your repeated expeditions into my arsehole." 

"Fuck sake Moses keep your voice down! Shit, let the whole palace residency in on our secret!" 

There was a pause as the Pharaoh thought of what to do. Finally he gave in to Moses' orders. 

"Fine you can go."

That night every single captive Jew prepared to leave the country. It is said that this was the time that flat bread was created because there wasn't enough time to let it rise. But that's bullshit because as every Hebrewhusband knows: Jewwives can't cook for shit.  
Thousands of Jews poured out of the city like them rats did in Indiana Jones and the last crusade out of the catacomb away from the fire. They travelled for a whole day before they reached the 'red sea'. By this time the Pharaoh had gone back on his decision and sent out his army to get the Jews back. They were hot on the tails of the Hebrews and it looked like they were cornered. Moses got down on his knees and prayed to God: 

"Please send us help and create safe passage for us." 

God heard this plea and called down from his dingey apartment flat (he lost his money to Janet because of the divorce). 

"Walk around you lazy shits!" 

"There isn't enough time though!" 

God puffed and reluctantly spread his arms wide. This caused the overfished sea to slowly beckon and then part away creating safe passage through to the other side. The Jews ran to the other side as quickly as they could while Moses rounded up at the back. The army's chariots were but a few metres away when every Jew had made it to the other side except Moses. The Jeif ran as fast as he could but he saw the giant waves fold over him. He put his skinny arms up to protect himself...

...But he found that no wave hit him but instead found himself in a metal room with two men standing at the other sides.  
The first man turned to the other and spoke. 

"Spock! What the fuck is this shit?" 

"Why captain it appears to be a human, just like you." 

"Jesus Christ Spock. You are fucking useless. I ask for a pizza and you beam up a fucking Jew! Just send it back! NOW!" 

The man with pointy ears and awesome eyebrows fiddled with a tall box and Moses felt a red light appear around him. Moses quickly shouted out: 

"Who is Jesus?" 

But his questioned was unanswered, because he soon found himself back on dry land among the rest of his people.


End file.
